Godly Grief, Holy Tears, & Gandalf the Grey
Godly Grief, Holy Tears, & Gandalf the Grey
How Brokenness & Sorrow Can Lead to Deeper Intimacy with the Man of Sorrows
American culture leaves little room for times of lasting sorrow and grief in our lives. We are a society of quick fixes that tries to solve our deepest problems with consumerist solutions. “Have you tried ‘x’ product or ‘x’ experience or ‘x’ professional yet to fix you?” Of course, there is nothing wrong in taking a medication or having a therapist to aid you when necessary. But every good therapist and pastor knows that there are certain forms of grief that will never go away in this life even if they can help you process it. The sorrow runs too deep in our bones.
St. Nikolai Velimirovich once described the experience of a mother who had to bury her own children.
“Death has one characteristic in common with love: it, like love, works a profound change in many that experience it and go on living. A mother after a funeral goes to the graves of her children. In [that] mother’s soul, the mother lives only in one little corner; all the rest is a palace for the souls of the children taken from her.”1
This theme of lingering sorrow and grief actually runs through the great novel, The Lord of the Rings, even in the final parting:
“Well, here at last, dear friends, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our fellowship in Middle-earth,” Gandalf says to the gathered companions. “Go in peace! I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.” (Return of the King, Final Chapter)
The hobbits were filled with grief knowing that they would never see Gandalf or Frodo again on this side of the sea. Even though the setting is beautiful, and Frodo is going to sail to the undying lands to experience his final healing from sorrow, this feels like a funeral. Frodo goes to Heaven while the rest of them are left behind to grieve the loss of his warm presence in their lives. It is in this moment of grief that Gandalf gives them permission to weep and experience holy sorrow. “Weep, for not all tears are an evil.” We need more wise grandfathers like Gandalf in our world permitting us to weep as a holy and good thing. It is not wrong. It is not evil. And yes, this grief will be with you forever, because you will always love them. And that is a good thing.
Grief and anguish of heart is not only related to losing people in death, but it can also be rooted in longing for the life we once had or the life we thought we would have. Perhaps life did not turn out the way we expected, and there is a lingering ache within us. Why did my spouse leave me? Why is my family in shambles? Do I have any real friends left? Why is the world falling apart all around me? This type of grief is just as real as losing someone close, and it can lead to hopeless despair.
Like Gandalf, the writers of Scripture also give us permission to weep and even exhort us to lament at times. This is why we have a whole book in the Bible filled with songs of lament called, “Lamentations.” In 2 Corinthians, St. Paul is very transparent about his own grief and sorrow. He writes, “We were so utterly, unbearably crushed that we despaired of life itself” (1:8). “For I wrote you out of much distress and anguish of heart and with many tears.” (2:4). The saints and mystics of the church refer to this time as the ‘dark night of the soul,’ and Paul had this experience quite often.
But this dark night doesn’t have to be one without any stars. The Scriptures also reveal that the presence of God can found in the midst of our tears. Though God doesn’t always take away our nightmares (the valley of the shadow of death), He does promise to walk with us through them. As the Scriptures declare, “He is close to the broken-hearted” (Psalm 38:18). Sadly, too many people are robbed of His Divine Presence in their time of grief, because the concerns and expectations of this world weigh too heavily upon them. Instead of turning to prayer, they turn to shame, self-guilt or self-pity. St. Paul actually contrasts the difference between godly grief and worldly grief when he writes,
“For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:10).
If we allow our grief to crush us and fill us with worldly despair, then our spiritual and physical health will deteriorate under that level of inward stress. It produces a kind of death in us as we trust in ourselves. But if we give our grief to the Lord and even unite our sorrow with His own sorrows, then all will not be lost, and we can abide in Him.
Sometimes we forget that the Scriptures refer to Jesus as “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). Like St. Paul, our Lord could be found weeping and grieving over the state of the world. With holy tears, he wept over the death of his friend Lazarus. He also wept over the city of Jerusalem since so many of its people preferred to trust themselves instead of trusting Him.
In a way, we could say that God not only put on ‘human flesh’ in the Incarnation, but that he also put on ‘human tears.’ And from that moment on, the experience of tears has been transformed for all of us. Tears can be an outward manifestation that our hearts have not been hardened by sin and are still softened by love. Holy Tears can be a sign that the Holy Spirit is moving in us. Tears have now been transfigured in grace.
Returning to The Lord of the Rings, we can see in the person of Frodo that not all wounds in this life may be fully healed. They will linger in our hearts and minds a little longer until our final healing. For now, we go on “mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.” But let us never forget the words of Gandalf, “Weep, for not all tears are an evil.”
Christ may even be found in those tears.
Kyle A. King
November 17, 2023
My wife, Sarah, recently shared a powerful story with me of how one person used their grief, sorrow, and suffering to trust the Lord. And thanks to her, I am now sharing it with you! Thanks Sarah =)
https://www.orthodoxchurchquotes.com/2015/04/30/st-nikolai-velimirovich-a-mothers-love-cannot-separate-her-dead-children-from-those-living/